


Fuck Fate, We're Halfway to the Stockholm Syndrome

by WeirdFishes_Arpeggi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Alternate Universe - No Game, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, EriSol in the year of our lord 2019, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor Kismesissitude, From my archives, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Past Violence, Quadrant Vacillation, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 09:18:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19148083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdFishes_Arpeggi/pseuds/WeirdFishes_Arpeggi
Summary: After Eridan killed Feferi, Sollux sought revenge. He got a hell of a lot more than he bargained for, and a sweep later, he just wants to get his shit together.





	Fuck Fate, We're Halfway to the Stockholm Syndrome

**Author's Note:**

> I pulled this from the depths of my Google Drives archives and am posting in an attempt to go back and finish some of the solid works I never got around to finishing. Written somewhere around 2015. 
> 
> Concept: what if EriSol, but actually written without changing the characterization of Eridan and somewhat true to what their dynamic would actually look like

You’re faced with agonizing ambivalence. You run hands through your hair, slouched over the desk you’ve not left for hours—despite harsh daylight spilling out from the edges of the curtains. You stare at a nearly-blank screen, sleeplessly telling yourself to do something, anything but sit here, trying to tell up from down in the bullshit avalanche of your own life.

Eridan made quite the drama queen of you. You guess that’s what happens when you let over a sweep pass by without making an effort to stop it. You’d blame him, but it’s you who can’t seem to find a way out. You’re the one debating whether or not you even _want_ out.

You stopped questioning why you think about him like you’re still actively in a relationship with him when you’re not, because you know you will be soon, whether it takes hours or days or a couple of weeks. You’ll be back, and you'll hate it and yourself and him, but at this point if you can’t kill him or leave him you may as well just deal with it like you always have. You watch the blinking cursor mark passing increments of time, counting off seconds into eternity, and think that maybe you’ll always have to deal with it.

Only that’s a load of steaming hot shit and you know it. You’re better than him, better than this. You’re sick of slinking back to your tiny little communal hive for a few weeks every perigee or two to take your regular break like it’s your fucking regularly-scheduled meal hour. You’re sick of fighting with him and dealing with his nonsense and hiding it all from everyone, because after two fucking sweeps, you still can’t bring yourselves to admit you resemble anything close to a couple. Not that anyone who sees the way you act around each other would classify you as anything within a few parsecs of a couple, but nobody sees you and that’s the way it should be. Your life with him is secret, shameful, and frankly beneath you.

You would be working, but this desktop is obnoxiously outdated because your real computer is still with Eridan, and while you do have your laptop, you’re almost considering going back to Eridan if only to save three days of work setting this ancient relic up to be usable. By ancient relic, you do mean superior in every way to most other computers, save everything you still have at Eridan’s. You honestly could get shit done if you weren’t so busy whipping excuses out of entitlement.

Instead you get up and run your hands through your hair, wandering aimlessly around your respiteblock. It doesn’t even feel like your respiteblock; it feels old and musty and flat-out un-lived-in. It’s a miracle that no one has noticed you’ve been living with Eridan, but you suppose you’re reclusive enough that people don’t question what you’re doing with your life. For all they know, you’ve always lived here, coding, entertaining yourself, and staying alive enough to give the textual equivalent of a noncommittal grunt every few weeks when people start asking. The only reason secrecy has worked is because of your historical patterns, and Eridan can’t find anyone who cares enough to ask. That, and his shame about being with you somehow exceeds his need to shove it in people’s faces that he found someone masochistic enough to be with him, keeping him surprisingly adamant about hiding it.

You lean back in your chair with a heavy sigh, just before the aggravating buzz of your phone vibrates through the desk. It had better not be Eridan. It’s only been four days since you stormed out of his hive, and you weren’t planning on going back for at least another week or so. He pissed you off, and you’re too tired to deal with his bullshit for a bit.

When you actually check, it’s Karkat, trolling you. Why is he up? Shouldn’t everyone in their right mind be asleep?

He leaves you with a simple message.

**CG: HEY.**

You almost feel bad for him. Not pity, but whatever. You admit you haven’t really been talking to him nearly as much—especially in the last few perigees. Well, especially the last one, but your bones are back together and the wounds have become scars, so it’s behind you. Karkat’s getting kind of desperate and you don’t really know what to do about that because on one hand, he is your best friend, and on the other hand, his pale feelings for you pour out of every orifice and being his moirail is a rather stupid idea.

You do at least decide to answer him.

**TA: hey kk.**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP? ISN’T IT THE BUTTFUCK MIDDLE OF THE DAY?**

**TA: pot, kettle. you’re the one who me22aged me, ii mean for all you know ii wa2 iin the 2weet embrace of 2leep before ii wa2 rudely awakened.**

**CG: THAT REEKS LIKE A PILE OF HOOFBEAST SHIT YOU SET ON FIRE AND CATAPULTED INTO MY LAWNRING WITH A CRUDELY SCRIBBLED SARDONIC APOLOGY NOTE.**

**TA: yeah, whatever.**

**TA: you’re awake two.**

**CG: I JUST COULDN’T SLEEP, YOU DON’T HAVE AN EXCUSE.**

**TA: that’2 a 2hiitty excu2e.**

**CG: BUT IT’S TRUE, SO FUCK YOU.**

**TA: that’2 not a real re2pon2e.**

**CG: IT’S ALMOST LIKE I’M TOO TIRED TO DEAL WITH YOUR MIND NUMBINGLY PEDANTIC DUMBFUCKERY.**

**TA: 2o why don’t you 2leep?**

**TA: thii2 is2n’t that hard.**

**CG: THIS IS A USELESS CONVERSATION. I WAS JUST MAKING SURE YOU’RE STILL ALIVE, SINCE YOU DON'T ACTUALLY DEEM IT NECESSARY TO KEEP ME UPDATED ON THE BASIC FUCKING DEVELOPMENTS IN YOUR LIFE.**

**TA: new2fla2h iin 2olluxviille, populatiion of one: there ii2 no new2.**

**TA: next up: why an overbeariing 2hiitlord 2hould back the fuck off of my bulge.**

**CG: NEWSLFLASH IN INCONSIDERATE DOUCHEFUCKLAND, POPULATION OF YOU: I HAVE TO FIGHT TOOTH AND CLAW TO GET YOU TO, I DON’T KNOW, PULL YOUR UGLY FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR WASTE CHUTE FOR HALF A SECOND EVERY TWO TO FOUR WEEKS SO I KNOW YOU’RE STILL ALIVE.**

**CG: AND GUESS WHAT, IT’S BEEN A PERIGEE.**

**TA: iim 2tiill aliive.**

**CG: FUCK IF I KNOW HOW YOU MANAGED TO STAY THAT WAY FOR SO LONG.**

**TA: ii’m 2ure iit ha2 everythiing two do wiith you ince22antly botheriing me and nothiing two do wiith the fact that ii can actually take care of my2elf.**

**CG: YEAH, WELL UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY PROVE THAT, I’M COMPELLED TO THINK OTHERWISE.**

You might also feel bad that it’s so obvious he has pale feelings for you. Maybe because you know you’d never be able to reciprocate, not just the feelings, but in terms of an actual relationship. You wouldn’t want to let him help you, and you’d be shit at doing anything for him. It’s kind of annoying that he can’t see it, really.

**TA: you do realiize iid be a fuckiing awful moiiraiil, riight? based on my romantiic pa2t you really 2houldnt put me wiithiin an arm’2 reach of your quadrant2.**

**CG: FIRST OF ALL, FUCK YOU, I’M NOT TRYING TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL.**

**TA: ii totally beliieve you.**

**CG: SECOND OF ALL, STOP EXAGGERATING BECAUSE OF SURVIVOR’S GUILT. YOU WERE A PERFECTLY FINE MOIRAIL FOR ARADIA.**

**TA: yeah, untiil 2he ended up dyiing becau2e of me.**

**CG: BECAUSE OF VRISKA.**

**TA: and ff al2o diied. the fact that youre tryiing two defend me kiind of make2 my earliier ca2e.**

**CG: NO IT DOESN’T, YOU FUCKING PAN-ROTTEN SHITLICKING VAPID PRANCING IDIOT DRAMA QUEEN. IT MAKES ME RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO BASE YOUR ENTIRE FUTURE OFF OF TWO CIRCUMSTANCES OVER A SWEEP AGO WHICH HAD ALMOST NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU WERE IN QUADRANTS WITH THEM WHEN THEY DIED.**

**CG: YOU HAVEN’T ACTUALLY GOTTEN THAT SUPERSTITIOUS, HAVE YOU?**

**TA: no, but youre mii22iing the poiint.**

**CG: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ONE.**

**TA: whatever, con2iider thii2 your preemptiive rejectiion then.**

**CG: DULY FUCKING NOTED, SHITSTICK.**

**CG: YOU KNOW CONSIDERING IT’S RIGHT AFTER THE ANNIVERSARY, I WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO CHECK IN WITH YOU BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO BE AN ASS.**

**TA: what 2hiit what anniiiver2ary FUCK.**

**CG: OKAY, I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE THAT FUCKING SENSITIVE.**

**CG: NEXT TIME I’LL TRY TO TIPTOE THROUGH YOUR FIELD OF EGGSHELLS LIKE SOME UGLY LITTLE IDIOT FAIRY SPRINKLING HAPPY DUST ON YOUR BOO-BOOS.**

**TA: 2hut the fuck up.**

**TA: you meant fef, diidn’t you.**

**CG: THE FUCK?**

**CG: NO, I MEAN THE OTHER ONE WHO WAS MURDERED BY A LONELY GENOCIDAL SEADWELLER LOWLIFE, SENDING YOU INTO THREE PERIGEES OF RADIO SILENCE AND SELF LOATHING.**

**TA: ju2t becau2e ii diidn’t talk two you doe2n’t mean ii wa2, what, drowniing iin my own 2elf piity, griieviing for her liike every 2iingle one of your tra2h romance novels.**

**CG: SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT YOU DISAPPEARING OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET FOR THREE PERIGEES AFTER SHE WAS KILLED WASN’T YOU BEING A SAD PIECE OF SHIT? AND THAT YOU, A SWEEP LATER, DISAPPEARING INTO THE VOID OF SILENCE IS ENTIRELY UNRELATED?**

**TA: okay, let’2 not talk about thii2.**

**CG: UGH, WHY DO YOU MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT? JUST ADMIT THAT I’M RIGHT.**

**TA: you’re not.**

**CG: SO WHAT IS THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?**

**CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING SHIT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN’T YOU JUST GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER? THIS IS WHY I’M SO AGONIZINGLY ANAL ABOUT YOU, BECAUSE I GET SLAPPED WITH SHAME-END OF THE BULGE WHEN I ASK YOU BASIC QUESTIONS.**

TA: well 2hiit, ii thiink thii2 ii2 where you fiigure out that iit’2 not bu2iine22 two be 2hoviing your cartiilage nub iin. 

**CG: SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR OWN SEEDFLAP. WHAT DO I CARE IF WE’RE STILL FRIENDS? I THINK I WOULD RATHER CRAWL INSIDE THE SLIMY FUCKING MAW OF MY OWN DEAD LUSUS THAN DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.**

**TA: 2orry, ii gue22. ii don’t know what el2e two tell you.**

**CG: AN EXPLANATION WOULD BE NICE. OR JUST STICK A KNIFE IN MY BACK ALREADY, BECAUSE AT LEAST IT’S MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU’VE GIVEN ME IN THE LAST SWEEP.**

**TA: 2peakiing of whiich, ha2 ed triied two talk two you?**

**CG: ERIDAN?**

**CG: I WOULD WANT YOU TO THROW ME IN THE LOONYBLOCK, SEDATE ME, PURGE EVERY MEMORY OF MY WAKING LIFE FROM MY THINKPAN, SLIT MY THROAT, AND BURN MY BODY IF I EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT TALKING TO THAT PSYCHOPATH AGAIN.**

**TA: good two know.**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?**

**CG: AND WHAT IS THIS ‘ED’ HOOFBEASTSHIT? HAVE YOU FINALLY LET GO OF THE LAST STRAND OF SANITY YOU WERE SO DESPERATELY CLINGING TO?**

**TA: now that ii thiink about iit, that’2 probably a rea2onable explanatiion.**

**TA: you were riight all along, fef’2 death 2ent me riight off the deep end.**

**CG: YOU DID IT AGAIN.**

**TA: what?**

**CG: YOU ALWAYS DO YOUR PAINFULLY ANNOYING LITTLE NICKNAMES FOR PEOPLE. EXCEPT YOU DIDN’T.**

**TA: 2o now you’re fliipiing your 2hiit?**

**TA: how iimpo22ible ii2 iit two get a break?**

**CG: JUST A LITTLE BIT. YOUR CRYPTIC HINTS HAVE GONE TOO FAR.**

**CG: I GET IT, YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME! HAHAHAHAHAHA, I’M AN IDIOT, YOU WIN. HOORAY FOR THE REIGNING CHAMPION OF NONSENSE FUCKERY.**

**TA: ii’m not even 2ure why you’re doiing an acrobatiic fuckiing piirouette off the handle, but you’re doiing a really good job. ten out of ten, you wiin the fuckiing priize.**

**TA: plot twii2t, there ii2 no priize for 2ad lo2er2 goiing ber2erk over nothiing.**

**CG: OKAY, MAYBE I’M JUST SEEING THINGS THAT DON’T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING.**

**TA: you don’t 2ay.**

**CG: JUST ANSWER ONE FUCKING QUESTION FOR ME.**

**TA: are you 2eriiou2? you can’t be 2eriiou2 riight now.**

**CG: REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU NOT TO BLINDLY ATTACK ERIDAN AFTER HE MURDERED FEFERI, AND YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T? AND THEN YOU DISAPPEARED FOR A REALLY LONG TIME, BUT I HEARD PEOPLE HAD SEEN ERIDAN AROUND, SO I STUPIDLY ASSUMED YOU DIDN’T.**

**CG: I’M STARTING TO GET A REALLY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.**

**TA: ii diid, and ii lo2t, and iit wa2 2tupiid. but that wa2 a 2weep ago. happy?**

**CG: FUCK DAMN IT.**

**CG: PLEASE, CONTINUE, BECAUSE I REALLY DOUBT THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF YOUR PEERLESS IDIOCY.**

**TA: ii’m not doiing 2ome tell-all confe22iional wiith you.**

**CG: TOO BAD.**

**CG: YOU WENT AFTER HIM A SECOND TIME, DIDN’T YOU?**

**TA: ii repeat: not doiing thii2.**

**CG: BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU STUCK YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ASS AND DID A TWISTED FOUR-LEGGED CRAWL RIGHT INTO A FUCKED-UP KISMESSITUDE WITH YOUR MATESPRIT’S KILLER.**

**CG: AND YOU’VE BEEN HIDING IT BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T DARE ADMIT IT.**

**TA: you do realiize you are overanalyziing my u2e of niickname2.**

**CG: I’M ANALYZING WHAT LITTLE YOU GIVE ME. IT MAKES SENSE. IT MAKES WAY TOO MUCH SENSE.**

**TA: no iit doe2n’t. eriidan ii2n’t iin any of my quadrant2. calm the fuck down.**

**CG: I’M GOING OVER TO YOUR HIVE TOMORROW.**

**TA: ii a22ume ii have no say iin the matter.**

**CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.**

**TA: cool, thought 2o.**

You finally put your phone down, and try to decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, it seems like the menacing power of fate refuses to let you or Eridan find an out. You always come back to the same thing, through bloodshed and misery and so much tiring shit. Maybe Karkat shoving his way into your life will finally break the cycle.

You get another notification on Trollian. You pick up your phone with a scowl. Of course it’s Eridan. Why would you get a fucking break?

**CA: sol wwhy the evverlovvin fuck is kar screamin at me about you**

**CA: wwe had an explicit agreement to a certain levvel a recitence about personal matters**

**TA: ii diidn’t promii2e you anythiing.**

**TA: and ii diidn’t tell hiim about whatever the fuck thii2 ii2. ii’m not an iidiiot.**

**CA: wwell wwhys he come hurdlin off the deep end wwith an bona fide cacophony a petty insults wwhen hes been intent on snubbin me wwith silence for the last swweep he clearly had some impetus for throwwin himself off his owwn high hoofbeast a vvitriolic passivve aggression**

**TA: ii kept hiim out of iit for that entiire sweep, a22hole. ii can’t be blamed for hii2 mental capaciity two make 2iimple, chiildliike conjecture ba2ed off of rea2onably unavoiidable 2iituatiional eviidence.**

**CA: for fucks sake you wwerent supposed to givve him enough to conjecture or wwas that not made clear enough for your pissblooded piece a shit pan you got rottin in there because i remember that bein utterly perspicuous on both sides**

**TA: iit’2 ea2y for you. no one giive2 a 2hiit about you.**

**TA: he’2 been tryiing two pry an2wer2 out of me 2iince the begiiniing, 2o ju2t be glad we managed to keep iit 2ecret for thii2 long.**

**TA: techniically he doe2n’t know yet, but ii’m not goiing to liie, e2peciially not for you.**

**CA: i hope for your sake you havve some palpable reason for the ludacris double standards youre flailin about so callously because there is little stoppin me from spillin your innards guttin you from bulge to horns**

**TA: wow, another tediou2 threat that won’t 2ee even the 2liighte2t 2hred of actual con2iideratiion. iim shakiing iin my metaphoriical boot2.**

**CA: you wwere a broken bleedin mess for wweeks an you still doubt the nonexistence of my reservvations about preservving your bodily integrity for fucks sake i didnt think you could get more pathetically delusional**

**TA: you attempted two KIILL me and only 2ucceeded iin a few broken bone2. forgiive me for my complete lack of faiith iin your abiiliity two follow through.**

**CA: i wwasnt really tryin to kill you sol and if you think i wwas the last vvestiges of rational thought havve finally vvaacated your body and havve gone on a some hauntin afterlife**

**CA: really i dont knoww wwhy i havvent killed you youre a wwaste a breath**

**TA: plea2e, iif you really had another opportuniity two kiill me you would have already.**

**CA: youre just clingin to the frail frayin strand a hope that thats true**

  
**CA: you knoww wwhat its my fault wwere in this mess**

**CA: shoulda killed you the night you came throwwin your measly little sparks around screamin about revvenge wwith your teeth snarlin like some feral wwoofbeast**

**CA: coulda finished the job instead a leavvin you to die**

**TA: but you diidn’t, 2o the 2econd you turned your back and ii wa2n’t 2o bliinded by rage ii de2troyed you.**

**CA: you couldntvve killed me if you tried sol you wwere pitch fuckin black the moment you realized im not somethin you just fuck wwith**

**TA: you are 2omethiing ii fuck wiith.**

**CA: damn it sol**

**CA: wwhen did i become such a pathetic piece a shit that i actually thought you wwere a suitable kismesis**

**CA: wwhy the fuck havve i wwasted so much time on you**

**TA: and here ii am wonderiing the 2ame exact thiing about you.**

**TA: whiich ii2 why karkat ii2 an opportuniity. take iit.**

**CA: wwhat happens wwhen this flamin clusterfuck heap a rubbish finally ends**

**TA: you get the fuck out of my liife and ii go on my merry way? ii2 that 2o fuckiing diifiicult?**

**CA: wwe both knoww its not that simple**

**TA: don’t you dare say iit.**

**CA: its fate**

**CA: goddamn treacherous clawws a fate keepin us in the vvice grip a misery indifferent a the sheer absurdity of it all**

You knew he was going to go there. You knew because that’s what you compared the sickened feeling to, a long time ago when you found yourself back in his hive mere days after breaking it off for something like the fourth or fifth time. Neither of you can face facts, so you chalk it up to fate. But fate is bullshit. You’ve been living with your matesprit’s killer for the last sweep. You’ve isolated yourself from everyone you know. There is nothing fated about this.

**TA: fuck you.**

**TA: and fuck fate. we’re halfway to the 2tockholm 2yndrome.**

**TA: don’t try two romantiiciize iit, becua2e we both know you’re just two much of a coward two leave, and ii don’t have the 2elf worth two bother. thii2 ii2 a2 fucked up a2 iit come2, and iit’2 not wriiten iin the 2tar2, iit’2 not de2tiiny or fate or anythiing other than two a22hole2 pretendiing thii2 ii2 normal.**

**CA: im not arguin so call it whatevver the fuck you wwant**

**CA: but right noww it looks like you wwere the idiot wwho wwent flappin your gums about privvate matters to someone wwho is goin a pull some extraordinary bs**

**TA: how many tiime2 do ii have two repeat that thii2 ii2 a god2end.**

**CA: like anythin wwill really change it nevver does**

**CA: an on the off chance it does the outlook is unfavvorable for you so saying its a godsend is a steamin pile a shit**

**TA: ii’m done talkiing about thii2.**

**CA: wwe are far from done sol**

You’re left with a bitter taste in your mouth, vaguely pissed off but too unfazed by it to do anything. What can you do? You suppose you should go to sleep, if you can, maybe finish a project if you can get focused for a second. It doesn’t matter.

You do fall asleep and some point. You know because you wake up to a loud rapping at the door, followed by some faint screams your neighbors are just bound to love. You peel yourself off of your chair, cursing yourself for falling asleep in a horrendously awkward position which will leave your back and neck fighting you all night.

You open the door to a snarling mess of Karkat Vantas, who shoves his way in the moment you can see about half of his face.

“Thank you, your royal highness, for opening the doors to your shining palace after fuck knows how long, I’m honored, really,” he snaps, not even trying to hide that he is practically cataloging every detail of your hiveblock, his eyes wandering everywhere but towards you.

“I had to get my shining palace ready, just for you” you say.

“No wonder it looks like shit.” He walks over to your desk and wipes a finger in the thin layer of dust that’s gathered.

“If you’re so bothered by it, feel free to dust.”

“How can you even live here?” He asks, looking at the lack of pretty much everything you own. He pauses for a second, thinking, and despite it being a rhetorical question, seems to retract it.

You don’t have anything to say, so you don’t.

“I  want to be wrong.” He turns to you. “Tell me I’m a paranoid piece of shit who’s flipping out because that’s what I do.”

You sigh. “You’re a paranoid piece of shit and you’re flipping out, because that’s what you do.”

“That doesn’t make me wrong,” he mutters.

You shrug.

“You said Eridan isn’t in any of your quadrants,” Karkat says.

“He’s not.”

He shakes his head. “He’s not _currently_. Right. Fuck you. If I asked you that question at any point in the last sweep, would your answer still be the same?”

“I hope you realize how insane you sound,” you say.

Karkat lets out a heavy, exasperated sigh. “I know. But you didn’t answer the question.”

You put your hands in your pockets, feeling indignant. “No.”

Karkat is about to fly off the handle at a record-breaking speed.

He clenches his jaw. “For fuck’s sake, Sollux. Do you even _understand_ how much of an impudent, asinine load of horseshit you are? Of course you don’t, because when I told you not to fuck with that genocidal fucking maniac, you shoved your claws so far into your hear ducts you scratched out the last vestiges of rational thought processes you had in that sad, shrivelled little lump of a pan and did your little fucking happy dance going ‘yippee, going to fuck with the guy on a murder spree because I’m the dumbass who wants revenge!’”

“Hypocrite,” you snap. “You would have done the exact same thing, fondling your own shame globes with pure rage, and would have done it for less. And that’s not the problem, asshole.”

Karkat glares at you, likely for having the audacity for calling him on his shit. “So explain the problem.”

You move toward him by your desk, which he is now leaning on with an angry pout. You collapse in the chair you slept in, making stern eye contact. “Thinking that once couldn’t hurt.”

Karkat rolls his eyes. You’re getting a little annoyed with how expressive he is in person. It feels exaggerated, but somehow you know it isn’t and it makes it so much worse. “Think you could maybe explain more, step by fucking step so the guy you’ve lied to for a sweep can follow? That’d be just dandy, thanks.”

“I didn’t lie,” you say.

“Whatever, you avoided me so that I wouldn’t ask questions about your shitty little relationship with a genocidal maniac. I get you have priorities. But really, enlighten me as to why I evidently mean next to nothing to you,” he says. Okay, fuck, you didn’t think about it like that and now you just feel like a selfish asshole. Because you are a selfish asshole.

You sigh. “He killed my matesprit. I wanted revenge. He was expecting me, and kicked my ass. I was still angry, so I fought him again, and kicked his ass. I don’t know why I didn’t kill him, but hey, here we are now, a sweep later. Romance of the fucking era.”

“Why didn’t he kill you?” His tone is a little bit less aggressive now.

You ask yourself that question a lot. You asked Eridan that question once, when you were in the throes of some sickeningly sweet delusional period of domesticity. He couldn’t really say.

“I don’t know, but it fucked us both over.”

“How long has this been going on, you being kismesises?” He asks.

You stare at him for a moment. “If we were just kismesises, this would be a much less fucked up situation, and I know that, okay?”

He gives you a look of utter disbelief. “Wait, what?”

You start, before he gets the wrong idea. “I mean, shit, don’t get me wrong, we were. But it really has been about a sweep.”

He looks like he’s going to be sick. You actually understand that. You don’t blame him.

“It’s a mess, okay? A lot of things happened.”

“What the fuck. What the actual fuck.” He has to take a moment to regroup before he says, “But you’re not—how long have you been out of… it?”

Well shit, you’re about to send him flying. “Counting tonight,” you say, hesitating. “Five days.”

“I should have seen this coming,” Karkat says. “I mean really, I should have seen this like some monstrous blinking beacon on the horizon flashing ‘hey asshole’ in morse code. Hell, I should have tried harder to get you to talk to me instead of licking my wounds like the stupid fucking coward I am. I’m sorry I wasn’t really there for you when Feferi died. This probably could have been avoided.”

You have an overwhelming urge to slap the shit out of him. “This isn’t your fault, asswipe. It’s mine and the fucked up shitcanon I’ve been dating.”

“But I could have—”

“No,” you interrupt. “You couldn’t have done jack shit. Neither of us could get our shit together, and you weren’t going to have ever been able to swoop in like the fairy godmother with a wave of your little anger wand and fix us, because that’s not how it works.”

“You could have used an auspistice,” he says with a grunt.

You laugh. “You would have killed him.”

He opens his mouth to argue, but stops himself. “Maybe.”

There’s a moment of silence before you say, “Alright, have we done enough bs heart to hearting or are you going to keep me captive in my own home until you can beat my deepest darkest fears out of me too?”

“It’s over, yeah?” He asks. “Actually over?”

You roll your eyes. “Yes.”

“Okay,” he says. He doesn’t say anything else. For once he might actually be trying to respect your privacy.

“Okay then,” you say.

Suddenly, the ambivalence is gone. You and Eridan are done. You’re finally over, and Karkat knows, and you have nothing to hide.

You suggest playing some of the old game grubs you have laying around, because you just want to spend time with a good bro, find some way back to normalcy. Karkat obliges. Things are okay.

You hear a series of roaring thuds at the door not two hours later.

Karkat looks at you from where he’s sitting on the floor, eyes wide.

“Fuck,” you mutter. Figures Eridan wouldn’t have the patience to let you deal with Karkat before you could talk to him.

You don’t even bother getting up. You know that after a few more sets of knocks and an angry “I know you’re in there,” Eridan will let himself in. He’s bad at being polite.

Lo and behold, not a minute later, you hear a key in the door and Eridan comes through, looking thoroughly pissed off. Karkat practically leaps off the ground, eyes darting from you to him expectantly, waiting for you to explain.

You take your time getting up as Eridan marches over to you, not even sparing a glance for Karkat.

“You couldn’t wait?” You ask as he stares you down, obnoxiously close.

“Piece a shit,” he says, shoving at your shoulders.

You take a step back and don’t bother reacting any more than that. “Don’t start shit right now, ED. Just don’t.”

“I knew it. You told him,” Eridan says. He points a stern finger at Karkat, continuing, “This is more than some goddamn conjecture, an’ you promised to keep your mouth shut.”

You shoot Karkat an apologetic look before turning back to Eridan. “It was a mutual agreement.”

“Agreement’s a goddamn promise,” he mutters.

“I don’t think I really believed it until I’m seeing it, and now I want to puke my fucking eyeballs out,” Karkat says.

“Yeah, we’re real fuckin’ cute, ain’t we?” Eridan asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm. You have to block his half-hearted attempted strike to the side of your head.

“I told him we’re over,” you say. Ordinarily, a visit like this means one of you is going to argue your way back into a caliginous relationship. This is you putting your foot down.

He looks surprised for about half a second. You wonder if Karkat caught it before Eridan gets a little smirk on his face, one that you can’t tell if you want to punch or kiss off, but probably both. “Good.”

When you feel your heart let out a little indignant sob, you suddenly understand what he’s doing. Neither of you really wants to leave, but if you do, you’re both going to try to make it feel like your idea. You lean in towards him and angrily whisper through gritted teeth, “Take the out.”

“I am,” Eridan says, still smirking.

This is utterly pointless. “God damn it,” you say, turning away from both Eridan and Karkat, trying to rub away the headache that’s creeping into your skull.

“Does one of you want to fucking explain what’s going on?” Karkat asks.

“It’s none a’ your business,” Eridan snaps.

You can practically feel Karkat’s glare behind you. “Shut up you panless, murderous, insufferable, useless, insipid blight of existence. I am beyond ashamed to have once called a friend, so shut your fucking mouth because the only reason I haven’t ripped out your intestines and shoved them down your own ignorance shaft yet is out of some completely groundless respect for Sollux, who happened to make this my goddamn business.” He pauses. “So someone, not you, explain.”

“This is normal,” you say turning around. “If you weren’t here, I’d probably be moving back in with him tonight. Right now, he just decided to grow a backbone and wait for me to take the bait because he’s pissed that I’m trying to end this clusterfuck.”

Karkat lets out a nervous laugh. “Of course, when you put it that way, it’s obvious.”

“Fuck’s sake, Sol, you don’t have to make it sound so shamelessly pathetic,” Eridan says.

You scoff. “Does it matter? It’s good that we’re done, remember?”

Eridan sours. “What do you want? Do I need to snap your goddamn arms again?”

“Again?” Karkat asks in a kind of shocked disgust.

“Stand over you wonderin’ why I can’t just kill you for the zillionth time?”

You can see the hint of genuine panic in Eridan’s eyes. He’s worried you really will walk away. And not because it’s more difficult to try to kill you when Karkat’s in your hive.

“You’re pathetic,” you say. You don’t know why, but after all this time, you think you might need him. You don’t know why, you’ve never known why. You can’t explain it but you can’t leave, and sometimes being with him is as cathartic as it is infuriating.

His fins flare on the side of his face, but he calms down after he realizes that you’re not going anywhere. He scoffs, with the slightest hint of a smile on his face. “Rich, comin’ from you.”

Karkat runs his hands through his hair. “Am I actually seeing this? Please, for the love of God, tell me this is all a fucked up nightmare.”

“KK, it’s complicated,” you say, not looking away from Eridan. You’re disappointed in your own lack of resolve. You really thought you could pull off a clean break.

Eridan returns your stare with a look in his eyes you can only describe as dark.

Karkat laughs. “Do you think this is sustainable? Look at yourselves! I mean, what the fuck?”

Eridan quirks an eyebrow.

“Nothing’s changed since the beginning,” you say. “Sustainable enough for you?”

Karkat looks dumbfounded. “Are you stupid? Oh wait, that’s a redundant and profoundly idiotic question. I’m ashamed to have even asked. What kind of idiot do I have to be to even begin questioning the depths of your sheer incompetence?” He turns to Eridan. “And you, should I just wait for you to go on another murder spree because that’s apparently what you fucking do?”

“It wasn’t a spree for fuck’s sake,” Eridan huffs, finally breaking his gaze.

“It’s been pretty well-established in the rock foundations of the universe’s grimy heaping palace of eternal douchebaggery that we can’t kill each other, and not for a lack of trying,” you say.

“And you’re perfectly fine ignoring that he killed your last matesprit?” Karkat asks.

No. You’re not. You’re not fine ignoring it at all. But you and Eridan have come to a kind of mutual understanding not to talk about it, lest you repeat what happened a perigee ago. “No.”

“Is he even remotely capable of remorse?”

Eridan shifts in his place. “I practically loved her,” he says quietly.

“And do you practically love him too?” Karkat asks Eridan.

Eridan’s eyes narrow and his lip curls into a snarl as he shoots daggers at Karkat.

“That wasn’t a rhetorical question, you psychopathic dumbfuck,” Karkat says.

You decide to put a stop to this before it ends up going somewhere bad for both you and Eridan. “Karkat, back off.”

Karkat looks like he’s about to argue, but you stare him down, and he falls silent.

Eridan looks relieved. He looks from Karkat back to you and moves to stand near you by the window. “Are you done?” He asks Karkat. He holds his hand against his thigh like he’s trying to keep himself from reaching for you when Karkat is still there.

Karkat glares at the both of you. “If you walk out that door together, I will tackle you delusional fuckbrains because apprently you have your heads so far up your own asses your digestive processes can probably recursively take place seven times eating your own goddamn shit.  Neither of you seem to agree that you need an auspistice, but you do. So here I am.”

“Sol told you to back off,” Eridan says.

“Because you obviously aren’t ready for sappy admissions of your burning flushed desires and you don't have the basic fucking respect for each other to be kismeses. You aren’t happy, or Sollux wouldn’t have told me you were over just to throw that away not ten minutes after you break into his hive. You clearly haven’t worked out the Feferi issue. Let me ask you something, do either of you even like each other?” Karkat says.

“No,” you answer almost immediately. You never thought liking him was really an important factor.

Eridan shoots you a dirty look. “No,” he says as well.

“So why are you together?” Karkat asks.

“Does it matter?” You ask indignantly. “We obviously can’t seem to stay apart.”

Karkat pinches his nose. “No, you know what? You know what I don’t get? How the everloving fresh fuck were—or are—you two pan-rotten shitbags matesprits?

“Kar, you should have the basic sense to know that sometimes matespritship is just a byproduct a’ genuine goddamn kismessitude.” Eridan looks thoroughly annoyed.

“What?” Karkat is appalled. “That’s fantastic, good to know your concept of vacillation is warped to your complete lack of emotional depth because you’re a fucking sociopath.”

At this point, you’re just as annoyed at Karkat as Eridan, even if he has a point. “He’s not a sociopath.”

“Right, of course you’re defending him. Why even try?” Karkat says, shaking his head.

“Climb down from your high hoofbeast, asshole. It’s not like he has a shortage of flaws to pick from; you can at least use something more substantial than your oversimplified buzzword bullshit,” you snap. You’re getting really sick of having this conversation. “Or you can stop making me out to be your fucking damsel in distress and realize I share half of the blame in the miserable existence of this relationship.”

“You’re right, playing you as the victim is absurd because the guy you’re dating isn’t crawling with red flags,” Karkat spits.

“Just because it’s a mess of a relationship doesn’t mean there’s a victim, for fuck’s sake. I’m just as guilty as he is for the shit that’s happened, and I’m willing to admit it,” you say. “You don’t want to be an auspice, you just want to take the first opportunity to throw Eridan under the bus because you have some platonic grudge boner for the guy. And blaming him for me not talking to you is bullshit, because you just don’t want to think I’m a shitty person and a shitty friend, but guess what? I’m both.”

“If he hadn’t killed Feferi, maybe—”

Eridan interjects, “You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, Kar. You weren’t there.”

You have to fight back the overwhelming urge to tackle Eridan. “Stop.”

“What context could possibly absolve you from killing her?” Karkat shouts at Eridan.

“She was the one,” Eridan starts. You can feel sparks buzzing around your head. “Who started—”

“Shut the fuck up,” you say, turning and grabbing his shoulder, looking him dead in the eyes.

He doesn’t look like he’s about to argue or fight back. He just holds your gaze and says, “Okay.”

You’re still gripping his shoulder, your claws still digging in. You relax a little.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

You let go and look away to see Karkat staring at the two of you with furrowed brows.

“God damn it,” Karkat huffs.

“What?” You ask, thoroughly exasperated. You don’t want to deal with this anymore. You’re not sure if ‘this’ means the conversation or Karkat or Eridan. Maybe all three.

“Please fix this,” he says. “Because you can.”


End file.
